what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
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She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
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His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision