Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
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My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.