If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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