so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
