Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So many bounce houses so little time
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There's even glitter on my cock...
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