I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
a search helicopter?!
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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