The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
