your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
