Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
