and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you traded sex for a burrito?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
