We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
