Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
