i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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