I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
