literally had 100 drinks last night.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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