And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
