I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
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He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
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All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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