Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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