I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
