I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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