i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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