the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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