my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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