Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so let's talk penis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
