Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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