he shaved USA in his pubs
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
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Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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