i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
