no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
