I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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