why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Randomize
