Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
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the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
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A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's rum buckets o'clock
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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