Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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