just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
