i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
