Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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