I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Randomize
