and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
