cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
