My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
