fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
That accounts for only three of the penises
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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