Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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