i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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