Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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