I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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