Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
