I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
