I wish I could punch you in the face.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
