the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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