I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
