my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Everything about him screamed your future.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
we're making bets on your personal life
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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