I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize