I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
