your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
