one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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