i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
