I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
