Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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