I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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