So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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