i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
