I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
